When I was sixteen I decided to become a vegetarian. I read an essay by Moby about why he was a vegetarian, and that very day I decided to be a vegetarian, cold turkey. I now don’t even remember what the essay said, having only read it once, but it made sense at the time, and I haven’t had so much as a slice of ham since.
I woke up yesterday morning with a plague I’m fairly certain I acquired from Luke Mochrie. I slept a lot more than I intended to, and I think that had to do with the sickness, but despite the plague I nonetheless woke with a different outlook. I’m sure part of this had to do with an article I read from the Thought Catalog not long after getting up, and a conversation I had with my best friend, Elisa (I have two of those, for the record. BFFs, not Elisas), but I finally came to a resolution.
This self loathing crap is getting old, so I’m going to stop now.
Whenever people first meet me, people who’ve seen my webseries or my work at USC, are often surprised on how down on myself I am. Even Benzaie, last year in Reno, said to me that I seemed so confident online, how could I be so secretly self-effacing? Well the truth is it’s a combination of three traits; part realism, part arrogance, and part INCREDIBLE self-loathing that would put the great wildfires of California to shame, irrational and consuming. I won’t go into details, but as some of my TGWTG co-contributors might tell you, it can get pretty fuckin’ annoying to listen to my bitching, which while perhaps not baseless, is usually out-of-proportion.
The thing is, realism clashes with the self-loathing. This is the problem of being an online personality in the first place; realistically, criticism of what I do should only get to me when I see it as valid, and even then I should learn from it, not get upset. You’d think that after three years of doing this I’d have learned to tell the difference between valid criticism and trolling, negativity for the sake of bitching and constructive criticism, immaturity versus insight, but I feel like in a way I’ve gotten worse. That self loathing monster in my head tended to eschew every positive thing I heard, and even on a bad day the plurality of my feedback is positive, if not the majority. The good things bounce off my hard, rubber head and I soaked up negativity like a sponge, believing it! That’s the worst part. Not always; of course. Sometimes my shield of arrogance would fly up and deflect everything, and I would tell myself, “what do these idiots know? They’re just wrong.”
But Internet goings-on are superficial, I find the worst part of self-loathing manifests in the real world, specifically in your relationships. My relationships.
I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to “assholes”. None of the guys I’ve been with since I moved to California were bad people, even if there weren’t very good to me. I suppose the trend was more simply “emotionally unavailable”, the type of guy that isn’t a eeevil, per se, but my goodness did they treat me badly. Of the three that transcended into “boyfriend” status, however briefly, they all treated me very, very badly when it ended. I was a secret from at least SOMEONE for all three of them, always parents, sometimes EVERYONE. And in my self-loathing-addled brain, this made sense. After all, I am quite horrible in some way, right? Who wouldn’t want to keep me a secret?
Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I treated them badly, too. One of them pushed me into sex too soon. I can safely say that that relationship ended the worst, as my solution to this was to drink myself into submission. Bad idea, because I told him what’s what! Well, screamed him and punched him what’s what. The second got roughly two years of subconscious revege and mind games from me. I don’t know that I’ve ever fought with someone so much. Number three was just arrogant and disrespectful, and that’s what did our relationship in. That and he wasn’t the brightest. He was my rebound from number two. I liked him because he was pretty. Dumb, and pretty. But even that one wasn’t even willing to change his facebook status for me. He’d be judged for dating a white girl, after all, and if I couldn’t understand why he’d want to keep it on the down-low, then I just didn’t understand him.
So, yesterday, I decided I’m gonna break that habit. Because it’s exhausting. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve shot in the foot from the outset with that self-loathing, someone might meet me only to be turned off by how eager I am to prove how worthless I am. The only people who are drawn to you in that case are the ones who agree with you.
To me, it’s like the vegetarianism. A bit more complicated and more work, obviously, but ten years ago I made a decision to quit something cold turkey and stick with it, because it was the best thing to do for me. No more burgers, no more roast beef, no more self-loathing.
So to anyone reading this, I suggest you do the same. Self-hating thoughts are toxic and accomplish nothing. So identify them and purge them. Cold turkey. No reason not to do it right now and you have no excuse not to. You’ll be glad you did. 
Good for you! *airfist*
I’m proud of you Lindsay! A lot of people have trouble getting over a hump like that. I have a friend who is just now getting over a situation strangely similar to yours.
An interesting read, to be certain. Hopefully this may convince me to get out of my own self-loathing spiral as well as Moby’s essay convinced you toward vegetarianism.
Hello Lindsay. I’m a friend of Elisa’s (in person, from MENSA) and I think I read that essay by Moby. It was from Teen People, right? It also influenced my decision to go vegan. I wouldn’t mind seeing you in person sometime.
I’ve been on both sides of that equation, both the mistreater and the mistreatee. What I think a good portion of the issue comes from is the fact that most people don’t see the dualistic nature of relationships. They’re supposed to be a partnership, rather than a back-and-forth that occasionally involves a certain horizontal tango.
It’s dangerous to put yourself at risk to the degree that a true relationship requires. Thus, most people simply stick to the superficial sort of relationship, or at least the superficial parts of it.
Or maybe people are just assholes. What do I know?
I know it might not seem like much, but I’m rooting for you Linds. You and the rest of TGWTG give often-depressed people (and this isn’t just me I’m talking of) so much to laugh about and look forward to and you guys deserve the very best in life. People love you, and so they should.
I think self-loathing is something many of your fans will be quite familiar with. The kingdom of nerdom is built upon a solid foundation of self-hatred. It’s comforting to find out that our entertainers go through the same thing and that it can be overcome.
If you can handle ten years without delicious meat than I really don’t think quitting pretty assholes should be that hard.
I’m very glad to hear that, Lindsay. I’ve got the same problem: I absolutely hate myself, as confident as I try to be in front of the camera. I reflect too much on the stupid things I’ve done, both to myself and to others. Others that I know tell me I’m a good person and my immediate reaction is to disagree…but all of the things I’ve done, in the end, don’t hurt anybody. The people I’ve wronged have moved on. Maybe I ought to move on too.
In any case, congratulations on freeing yourself from your constraints. Be proud of yourself! One day I hope to be able to do the same.
*hugs* Excellent plan! There are so many people out there in the world who think you’re awesome and it seems like you have some wonderful friends to support you.
When quitting your self-loathing chocolate can help as a sort of nicorette patch but for happiness and remember that you are fantastic, amazing, wonderful and lots of fun (both to watch and, I imagine, to be around).
*more hugs*
Very sound advice, Lindsay. These blogs of yours are hitting home runs out of the park. Bad baseball related pun, I know. What can I do? I just saw a Sox game.
I’ve had my share of relationships that were similar to yours. A lot of it had to do with blind and stupid prejudice. They ended badly and it took me a while to recover. You’re right. There’s no sense in dwelling on what’s wrong with you. As far as I can tell, you’re a smart lady and anyone would be lucky to count you as a friend.
So, go on. Quit cold turkey. Sorry you had to go through all this. Just remember, that which doesn’t kill us can only make you stronger.
Seems like I always stumble upon relevant items online or in the real world when I’m dealing with stuff. I’ve recently had some major changes in my life and none of them are good and all of them are my fault. I to have decided it’s time to stop focusing on the negative. It’s something that seems like common sense, and it is, but it’s something that most people are incapable of. It’s one of those things that we just say, kind of like muscle memory. We just say it to ourselves, but we don’t really think about how to actually do it. Anyway, I won’t say good luck or way to go, that always seems so trite. I will say that I can empathize and I will join you in this most difficult of tasks. In the meantime lift your spirits with this!
Good for you! (also the part about taking criticisms way to hard/personal.. hope you didn’t feel that way about my review of your documentary… just mentioned what my thoughts were). Actually I’m the same way. If someone, even if it’s well meant, offers criticism about me I take it way too personally and end up feeling like crap for days, if not longer.
I too should be less cynical in life and be more optimistic. I’ve been working on it. It’s hard but I march on and try to make the best of it
Hope being positive works out for you!
Good on you, mate. It’s amazing how much easier life is when you throw off that weight of self-hatred that you’ve been carrying around. You’re talented, funny, smart and I’m sounding like my own granny here, so I’ll shut up. But yeah, you’re cool.
I’m really really surprised at your admission. Through all of your videos you’ve shown yourself as confident, smart, funny and damn hot (you’ve had me smitten since you revealed your ability to play an accordion and your love of Meat Loaf).
Well good on ya, soak up some praise and ignore the trolls. Keep putting out good work (love the “Dark Nella” saga) and go find someone who’s not a douchecanoe – you deserve it.
I feel you. I’ve been like that a lot of my life and I recently went cold turkey. It’s actually pretty hard because I have people tell me I’m still making comments once in a while that are pretty self-defeatist, but I don’t even notice because I was so used to making them for so long. I’m working my way through it, and I tip my hat to you for doing the same. We can do it. You can do it. It’ll feel like shit for a while, but you’ll make it. Good luck.
This was a rather touching post, Lindsay. =) Most of your posts fascinate me in some way, interest me.
Self-loathing really is a waste of time, and only sinks you deeper into the quicksand of…bad things. I dunno, bad metaphor. Point is what GOOD comes from self-loathing? One thing I dislike is when people mistake realist for ’100% negativity’ and say they’re just being realistic when they bash themselves. I dislike because it’s what I used to do too…trying to be smart, trying to be logical. “Well it only makes sense that no one wants a pasty chubby redhead.”
But…it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t help in the longrun. I was told a long time ago as a pre-teen that I was immature, more-so than my peers. That comment still haunts me to this day in a small way. Will I ever really be an ‘adult’? Is crying too much a sign that I need to ‘grow up’? It’s a hatred I had for myself until only recently.
It took a being dumped to completely end the self-loathing.
Odd as it seems, I realized just how useless he was. I thought since he was a 20-something that that automatically made him more responsible and able to help me be more mature too. But we’ve known each other for years and I never took notice of signs. He’s nothing but a coward living in his parents’ house, no job, not even looking for one, no school, and thinks he’s fine where he is. Also acts like he’s forever fifteen. It finally clicked in my head that, as shallow as this sounds, I’m better than him. I’m doing so much better in life than he is, and it may stay that way.
The problem with arrogance and self-loathing is that they’re so extreme and nobody thinks there can be a middle ground. If you think of yourself as above anyone else, you’re an egotistic prick. If you dislike even a small aspect of yourself, you’re a self-loathing emo teen.
Consider all you’ve done in your life, Lindsay. Are you impressed with it? I may not know you personally but…your track record so far seems good to me. =) You seem like a very intelligent woman, don’t sell yourself short. And if you think you have flaws like arrogance or disliking an aspect of yourself, don’t worry about it. That only makes you human, we all have flaws. We all have aspects of ourselves that we think are better than other people. We all have aspects of ourselves that we think are less than others. And it’s okay. No one should get engrossed in hating themselves, nothing good can come from it. And if the positive thoughts bounce off your head, try to think about how inferior the flat out trolls are compared to you. That’s where I’m trying to get at, that a little ego isn’t bad, and you do deserve a little. =D
I know this seems like a big jumble and I hope maybe, in some way, it helped. I wish you luck in your cold turkey quitting. =) And remember, Ke$ha can really lift one’s spirit if in the right mood. “You know we’re superstars, we are who we are.”
Oh wow, wall o’ text. o_o Sorry about that.
I’ll say this, self-loathing is very prevalent with everyone, including myself. I get that feeling that sometimes what I do isn’t worth it. May be it’s not the same thing, but I get that same feeling too.
About us internet folks, poke your realism into reminding you that WE DON’T KNOW YOU! We know a character you play at 20-30 minute stretches. Its like saying I know Patrick Warburton because I watched many episodes of The Emperor’s New School
So good, bad, all the criticism constructive or otherwise, you have to put it in perspective.
Awesome post. Looks like you’ve recognized an outstanding opportunity for growth. I used to have a similar level of toxic thought about myself… everything you said also applies to guys, let me tell you.
About 4 years back, when I turned 30, I just decided it was time for a different life. Five months later I was married to somebody I barely knew (who also happened to be looking for a life/lifestyle change) and today we’re happy as can be with three kids. Life is funny like that, I guess. Changing my outlook was easier than I made it out in my head, and the reward for doing so was immediate and immensely greater than I could have ever anticipated.
I might also add that you put on a killer game-face. I never would have suspected in a million years that you could be burdened by this issue. Sooo… props for acting!!
Boy, did you ever post this at exactly the right time. Not going to go into details, but I’ve been going through the same thing, and it kind of exploded over the last month or so.
In a weird way, it’s nice to see someone I admire deal with the same neurosis. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
awesome post lindsay. I can relate to the self loathing part. I had a friend who was the opposite and that is why I hung out with her so I was surprised when she praised me and my art work.
This wouldn’t happen to be the essay in the CD booklet from Moby’s Play album, would it? I remember reading that around 2000 and going vegetarian for about two years.
As mentioned above, you have a lot to respect about yourself. You’ve filmed a documentary (which very few people can claim), you’re not afraid to speak your mind, and you get to do what you love. We all wish you the best
Rumination is definitely a bitch, one that feeds upon itself until you feel totally worthless.
Good luck on going cold turkey on it, although I think it’s tricky. You want to stop the self-loathing, but that comes with a price in the form of less self-reflection, which can be just as nasty. I hope you find a good balance.
One other thing I forgot -
Get Nella and others to complement you. It sounds bad, but I’ve found that others complementing you and thinking highly of you tends to help break those self-loathing spirals.
Hey, just a random fan here since the very beginning. I really had no idea about the self-loathing stuff o.O I guess you really do have to push everything to the side and be all smiles and happy faces on camera a lot. Spoony talks about that a lot in his commentaries actually.
Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice a fairly obvious parallel between your awful situations with guys and many of my female friends over the years, including most strikingly my girlfriend’s ex. It’s terrible how relationships can turn out and what they can do to all parties involved.
I’m glad that you’re in a situation where you can push forward and cut the negativity. You’re completely right; realism and self-loathing contradict each other because the reality isn’t completely negative and not completely about yourself. Everyone needs some support however, and you’ve an abundance of colleagues and friends from what I understand.
My one actual comment / feedback would have to be… going cold turkey on a psychological thing might not be that easy. I hope it is, but there are some fundamental differences in the nature of this to going vegetarian, and generally turning over a new leaf is like trying to control a rampaging elephant, which is why so many new years resolutions fail. Just PLEASE don’t be afraid to actively seek a bit of support from your mates. I know it’s fucking cliched but there’s no failing on your part in asking for some help; it isn’t as simple as a pass/fail challenge or anything. I’ve just never known someone to be able to experience such a change in this manner, and fear the consequences a little because of the nature of what you’ve described and what you’re trying to change. Stay on this wavelength; keep being careful and smart, not proud and irrational.
You guys at tgwtg build such a personal relationship with your fans because you deliver so much content, be it the entertaining videos we love you for or blogs, vlogs or commentaries like this. We watch your shows because we relate and you come across as genuinely nice human beings whom we’d like to know. We care for that same reason, so I’m very happy to read your positive blog and would like to thank you for the post. Anything to help you get through it, from your friends and / or your fans, we’re here.
Rambling and repeating myself now. It’s 3am in the UK so gonna call it quits. You’re fantastic, stick with this. Goodnight!
The self-loathing… I feel that it tends to be the mark of people who are just too smart. Or too aware. It’s not given to them to walk through life in blissful oblivion about their flaws and pompous self-assurance. They notice the flaws. And then more flaws. And then ones that aren’t notable or even there at all. That’s what the brain does: Fall into patterns. Get used to seeing the dark side. Resist change. But the brain is a physical thing. A lump of organic matter, and one that can be changed by focused thought, as it constantly re-routes itself to suit the needs of the hour. All you really need is a dedicated conviction to be positive. The rest is biology.
To some extent, that’s actually true. In their book Invisible Gorilla, one of the points made by the psychologists who wrote it is that people with the least amount of knowledge about something actually tend to be the most confident. The more experienced and skilled people were much more careful and honest about the weaknesses in their capabilities.
You’re Awesome (or at least you seem to be, based on available online content). I have no constructive input. Just…You’re Awesome.
I too need to quite self-loathing. Coincidentally, I quit eating meat for a year (cold turkey), but had to start eating it again due to being poor and going anemic. Blah.
Maybe this year will be better.
I’m genuinely scared of my first reaction after reading this post. I don’t wanna sound rude because I have far too much respect for the way you think and I love your work, but my first reaction was gonna be “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SELF LOATHING”. I have no idea why I wanted to say that, your post just made me feel depressed when it’s more than obvious you intended the opposite for anyone else with self-loathing. Please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s just that… I don’t know… Life sucks. Relationships suck. Everything just blows. Hope any of what I just said makes sense.
I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this one, and since you responded to me on two forums I assume you wanted a response, but here’s the thing; you don’t know me! You don’t know anything about my family, my upbringing, my sexual history, my life experience besides that which you see before you on the Internet. So I don’t think it’s fair for you to decide what you do and don’t know.
That said, I know life can be painful at times, and I’ve hit some pretty low lows, but if you’re really in that much pain I sincerely hope you can find it in yourself to do something good for yourself. Confide in friends, see a doctor, hell, even take some prozac, but the thing is, and I know this from experience, no matter how good or bad your circumstances are, things will never get better until you want them to.
I always want to give encouragement in situations like these. But, it usually seems like a weak attempt to do so. It’s like telling someone “things will improve.” Inevitably it sounds hollow because it’s just something people say to help others; they can’t really know whether things will improve or not. I can see how the tendency to dismiss the positive, while emphasizing what detractors say, is tempting. It’s just as tempting to be overly critical of others. (A few blog posts back, I gave what I considered to be “valid criticism” of your work as Nostalgia Chick in the comments section. In retrospect, however, it comes off as insensitive and mean-spirited. Sorry about that.) Yet, I also think people who feel a lot of self-loathing, paradoxically, tend to get enjoyment out of it at times. When they tell themselves that they’re unworthy, they give themselves an excuse not to make an effort to change their outlook. Everyone does this at some point, it’s a fairly understandable response. It does seem misguided in your case, though. I think most people would probably think you’re someone with a lot of positive attributes. Even if they might disagree with your views on things, you come off as honest, not afraid to be controversial, and funny. So I hope the change works out for you.
Aw, I was hoping the punchline would be that you started eating meat again. Damn.
But no more self hate is also quite good.
HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM HAM
I see myself in this so much. Oh my God. This was me 3 years ago. I was breaking up with my boyfriend of two years and thinking it was the end of the world… then, wait a second. I don’t even LIKE this guy. In fact, he annoys the Hell out of me. What the Hell have I been doing for the past two years?? I settled for a dim bulb with a serious inferiority complex because he was pretty and I thought that meant something… what a crock.
The difficult part of having confidence for me was that sometimes you have to be a bitch. Deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of arguing or talking back to people. But once I did, people started respecting me. Amazingly, people liked me more once I got an attitude.
When I went back into the dating pool, I made a decision (just like you are now) to stop being such a fucking whiny, self hating schmuck. So when I started dating this new guy, I carried myself with confidence, and I didn’t take any shit- period. And he purposed to me.
I married him- he doesn’t take my shit either.
Well since only negativity gets to you: your intelligence, prettiness, down-to-earth mentality and insight IS STUPID, AND YOU SUCK!
I obviously don’t know you personally, but your videos are enough to show me your fantastic sense of humor, intelligence, and your beauty (Seriously, you’re cute as hell. Not saying that to be creepy, just pointing out something us girls have a hard time seeing in ourselves).
Reading this pretty much made my morning. I’ve working to make a lot of the same steps you are these past few months, and it’s been wonderful. If you ever, EVER feel yourself slipping back into that silly self-loathing, remember that you’re so damn charming that people who haven’t even met you think you’re wonderful. If your interwebz fans can see so much from our limited view, just imagine what friends, boyfriends, and everyone in between can see in you.
I just hope I haven’t pushed you into self-loathing in criticising the Dark Nella Saga.
The reason I’m so down on The whole “Team Nchick” thing, is because I WANT MORE LINSEY! Not Less! Not a cavalcade of Sidekicks and Distractions! I want to see the Awesome Snarky Nostalgia Chick, destroying bad Misogynistic movies “for girls”, and promoting the awesome, that shows women doing things. Like Alien. That was an awesome movie.
Anyways, Cheese and Nuts are awesome, and so are you, so WE WANT MORE LINSEY! MOAR!!!
Anyone who would keep their relationship with you a secret from friends and family, especially because you are white, is a fucking fool. You deserve better. Good luck with kicking the self loathing habit – may good fortune and prosperous relationships be plentiful. Turn to your friends (Team ‘NChick) and the great people at TGWTG for support when needed – quitting anything cold turkey can be tough!
They say in the vast world of twelve-steppers that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. If you find yourself hooked on self-disrespect (as so many of us do from time to time) it takes a while to recognize that pattern.
Luckily, I think ‘blogging about it is the fourth or fifth step, so you’re already well on the way to recovery.
I admire your candor, of course. And know that however many assholes you accidentally date, or however many d-bags decide to tear you down online for no discernible reason other than to stroke their own piddling little inner lintballs that pass for their egos, know that you’re still popular and admirable, and have scads of fans who actually look up to you.
Now go have some really spicy Sag Paneer.
I don’t think I’d like to meet the person who isn’t at least a LITTLE self-loathing (oxymoron, I know). There must be that voice inside everyone’s heads, right? Even the arrogant and the overly confident have insecurities.
But in a way, realizing that helps. The people who you think are better than you don’t think any higher of themselves. It’s oddly comforting. Maybe thats the power of Schadenfreude.
I’ve always thought I was pretty good at handling my life and knowing myself, and I tried getting some therapy because my insurance would cover it. It helped me understand the world a lot more clearly and completely. It’s not just for people who can’t handle living their lives: you might find it helpful.
Also you have a cool dog and your apartment looks much nicer than mine and you made a movie and you’re like five years younger than me. Nobody who bothers posting angry things on the internet have any of those things. And people who hurt you in real life are usually in as much pain as you if not more, and they can’t usually tell. I don’t know if that helps.
Be encouraged. You are one of my favorite people. Full stop.
Insert random inspirational/insipid song lyric here.
On the real, Lindsay, everyone does feel down about themselves at some point in their lives. But knowing that you have a strong support system should give you hope. Sure you may stumble, but your true friends and family will not let you break.
And now as encouragement/geekdom and channeling my inner Diddy…
Congrats on “The A Word” winning at the USA Film Festival. You go like no one else can. You go. YOU GO. YOU GO! YOU GO, DAMMIT, YOU GOOOOO!!
The A Word was pretty remarkable. You are funny, beautiful, and deeply intelligent. But since I’ve struggled through the self-hating thoughts myself (hey, it’s what actors do!), I know that this kind of support, however genuine, can only take you so far.
I myself have kind of a knee-jerk reaction to hearing nearby laughter to subconsciously assume they’re laughing at something I’ve done, whether it be awkward, moronic, or naive. And I don’t even know these people! The positivity seems hard to sustain, so I hope you can put up a fortified defense against criticism. When you find a working process or formula, I hope you’ll post about it. Until then, I’ll be working towards the same purging process, and I hope it goes swimmingly for you.
Well, you’ve probably got all the compliments you need. Though one more wouldn’t hurt.
You seem to be really insightful, like you can look into things better than your “better than average” person. I love how you analyze stuff and that’s always what I liked about your vids.
Anyways, actually saying something useful, how often do you actually ask yourself why you want certain things? I mean you wouldn’t do it if you are not getting anything out of it, so what are you getting out of it?
I don’t wanna sound too much like a Randroid (I’m actually more of a Stirnerite) but observed selfishness is a good thing.
errr I guess what I mean is if you understood more about why you were doing it it might make it easier. As you can achieve the same things many ways.
I wish you luck on your journey to self-loving. It’s gonna be a rough one! I’m sure the future guys you bone will appreciate it.
Big ups to ya, gorgeous!! I know where you’re comin from.
I’ve lived my whole life bein told I’m not good enough, even by my folks, so I know precisely what It’s like to hate yourself.
Others who have said we internet schmucks don’t even know you are spot on. It’s possible you could be queen bitch of the universe for all we know. But, from what I DO know, I doubt that’s accurate.
Like anything else I’m a fan of, I’ve scoured the internet for anything NChick related and here are some things I’ve discovered.
1) You will soon complete higher education.
This means you have a work ethic.
(and accomplished something many do not,
myself included)
2) You film, script and edit your own artwork (film).
This means you have talent and skills.
3) Unlike fellow reviewers, who concentrate on just being
goofy and snarky, you actually try to raise social
consciousness while at the same time being
entertaining and HIGH-larious.
This means you are brilliant.
4) You have very, ahem, interesting fanart depicting you.
I found this out quite by accident, but let’s just say
that Rule 34 now applies to you.
This means you are liked enough to inspire people to
create artwork in your image.
5) In this very blog you show yourself to be profoundly
affected by the tragedies in others lives.
This means you have a heart.
6) You can fall flat on your face ON CAMERA and laugh
at yourself.
This means you are NOT stuck up. (kudos here)
7) Where others just say stupid shit while breathing
helium, you sing Journey songs, . . .beautifully.
This means you are unique.
8) When you do fuck up (and, I’m sorry but that one
video was a doozy), you take ownership of it.
This means you have maturity.
9) You have The Final Countdown by Europe on your
)
Myspace page.
This means you are cool as hell!!
(I mean how fucking awesome is that?!?!?
10) And, on top of all of that, you got the face of an
angel and a body custom built for sin by the hand
of the devil himself.
This means you are HAWT!!
Now, I realize that this post has become huge and that
I probably come off as some kind creepy stalker, but I
assure you that is not the case.
I am the king of lurkers. I read a lot of these blogs and
suchlike, but I rarely post unless I have something very
significant to say or a specific purpose.
Today, my purpose is this:
I too know what it’s like to spend much if not all of your
life finding any reason to tear yourself down and I also
have resolved to quit that shit. So I know how hard it
can really be to actually be to overcome YEARS of wrong
thinking. I’m still struggling after quite some time.
I composed the above list to give you something you can
always come back to during those times when your
resolve falters, and believe me, you will have those times.
When you start to slip, look at this list and remind
yourself “HEY, people love and respect me. I bring
happiness to the lives of many. I am gorgeous and
funny and smart. I have every reason to love and
respect myself as much as others do. I have earned it.”
Also here’s some music to pep you up.
Again, sorry for the novel I just wrote, but I have been
unable to find any Icantstandmyself Anonymous support
groups, so in lieu of that, I did this.
Someday, I hope to have my own webseries, and if I ever
obtain the means, you will have been one of my major
inspirations. I can only hope to do it half as good as you.
Be good to yourself, Ms. Ellis.
You deserve it.
8) was supposed be an 8 .
I forgot that was a smiley. X0
Dammit!!!
Now that WAS supposed to be a smiley!
Geez, I suck at this!
(whatever the one for smackin yerself in the head is)
There oughta be a list somewhere people can refer to!
Lindsay, this is exactly what I needed to read today.
Thank you.
Lindsay, what you said took a lot of guts to say (especially online).
I’m really proud of you, not only for being so brave and forthcoming, but also because i sometimes feel the way you do.
Usually it’s me dwelling on something i’ve done or said which took place years ago. But time does heal, and often talking about the problem does help, and you’ve done just that.
Take care, and if you ever want to talk, i’ll be there for you.
It took me years to pack my self loathing self up into a box and store her away. But I can tell you when I did Better things started happening to me.
I start getting a bit upset still when I can control a situation or if the process of something bigger and better takes awhile.
You have so much going on right now, you really need to find sometime to sit on your own and rediscover yourself. Figure it out what is it that you really want and deserve out of life. Deserve I mean if you were the most do gooder awesomest person ever, what do you WANT.
Take some time to reflect on that. and leave you house every day with that sense of purpose.
Adding to the weird, quasi-helpful internet positivity, I’m proud of you. Making a decision to better yourself is always a moment of betterment for the entirety of the human race in my opinion.
You are smart, funny, beautiful, etc. just keep telling yourself these things with specific examples when the self-loathing monster comes to attempt to devour you. It will be a process, and some days will be better then others. I know from experience and I’m still working on it myself.
You can do it!
Hey Lindsay,
I hate to comment on your love life, because being just some random recent fan on the internet and it’s a huge cliche and all to offer useless words of wisdom about being true to yourself. (See: Wolf, Teen) Here goes, though.
You’re an unusually intelligent, personable, and attractive young lady. That’s not me hitting on you, as I’m happily engaged (to someone who also digs your work); it’s just the facts. You make us laugh and you offer great insights into the entertainment that we love. You have that naughty bookworm quality that the right kind of guys love. (Case in point, I was in stitches over all your David Bowie double entendres.) Any man who does not appreciate these qualities and remind you that you have them is not worth your attention.
Don’t fall into the trap of just being grateful that anyone is paying attention to you. Expect better for yourself, because you’ve got it coming to you. Best of luck.
My advice for shaking off the attraction to assholes, is to date the next “nice guy” you come across. If not date, at least get to third base with him. The best thing you can do to get rid of that attraction is to go the opposite extreme.
would i be wrong in saying that you have a fondness for ireland?
Lindsay, you are my hero. Your critical reviews help me so much with my own writing, and your introspective blog posts inspire me. I love how down to earth and awesome you always seem, even through the online personality you’ve created for yourself. I also have a lot of arrogance topped by self-loathing – so, yeah, it sucks and I feel empathy for you. But you shouldn’t doubt yourself, because (cliche advice incoming) everyone makes mistakes and don’t let looser-ass boyfriends make you hate yourself. You are AWESOME.
“A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.” Proverbs 15:1
No personal advice from this random internet stranger, Lady. Just a little wisdom from a wiser One than me.
Way to go, Lindsay! Self-loathing is a bitch.
I also hated myself for a long time, and though I don’t quite remember how got over it, I do remember one detail that I know helped.
I was going over lines for a church play with one of the women involved in the production, and since I was in costume I had taken off my glasses. After I did she looked at me and said, “Ah! Much better I can see your face now… it’s actually a quite beautiful face.” Completely seriously, sincerely, and not at all patronizing.
And that compliment worked like the opposite of a self-doubt, just hiding at the back of my mind saying “…well no one’s mentioned it before but, maybe there’s some truth to it… everyone assumes their face is just normal…. it’s possible to overlook oneself… and there’s nothing that I can say is really *wrong* with my face…”
There were other things that helped me out too, but this is the one that sticks with me, and the thing I think is worth sharing. So from one beautiful person to another I can safely say that you too are beautiful, Lindsay, both inside and out. Keep being awesome.
PS. That Moby essay wouldn’t happen to be the one in liner notes of “Play” would it? That’s the pro-vegan essay that I remember being the most concise, convincing and non-dickheaded.
*hugs and a thumbs up*
You go girl, keep those positive thoughts running through your inner being!
First, I’d like to echo the sentiments of all the posters here and say: props to you. Self-loathing is never a pretty thing, to deal with, to face, or to watch, because all it can ever be is destructive. It makes me glad just to see someone else facing it down and bashing its brains out, because it IS difficult, sometimes nearly impossible once you get stuck in the cycle.
As far as people on the internet go, what do we know? The internet is, among other things, a terrible place where all the craziest, meanest, and dumbest people with wi-fi access congregate to spread evil across the world. Sometimes they find you. Pay them no mind. They’re just jealous.
As far as real-life assholes go, well… some people just suck. It’s miserable to have to admit to yourself that your relationship can’t end well and won’t go anywhere good. Mix in some self-loathing and you’ve got yourself a perfect recipe for disaster. That’s actually something I need to learn better myself. I just recently ended a relationship with a girl that spent ninety percent of her time with me telling me that all I did was make her miserable, all the time. We fought more than I could imagine fighting with another human being, and by the time we broke up, I couldn’t speak to her without feeling subhuman. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and I found myself going to my friends night after night just to have someone remind me that I wasn’t the worthless piece of shit my girlfriend treated me like.
/rant
Anyway, after that detour, I give you words that I scribbled on a tablecloth two years ago, words that I’ve given myself and my friends alike many times since: Never treat yourself as anything less than divinity. Because I promise you, there’s someone out there who worships you.
At this point I’d feel dumb repeating the same compliments that everyone and their mother has posted here, so consider them implied. Point being, you’ve reached a level of awesome only surpassed by Harrison Ford and Samuel L. Jackson. And people everywhere know it. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I could name at least eighteen people who think you’re the coolest thing since air conditioning! Dammit that was terrible!
Later.
You’re much stronger than me. I love bacon.
You know, after reading this, it sounds oddly familiar. I’ve relocated twice for the same person. I left him once because he lied to me, cheated on me and was manipulative. Yet he convinced me it was somehow my fault. But I finally realized it wasn’t because I did everything I could. But what did I do? Fell for his shit all over again and came back like a moron. Only to have him do it all over again, only a bit worse. And I tend to be incredibly down on myself. Every time something like this happens, it gets worse. Then everything else seems to follow. My attitude toward everything is negative. I hate life, want to kick toddlers…the good stuff.
But I’ve realized no one can make me happy until I make myself happy. So relationships can DIAF for the time being. You have to take care of you first. And idiot boys that don’t see the awesomeness of you (and I see boys because behavior like that hardly makes you a man) can f’koff.
Wow, thank you for this post Lindsay! What you’ve been going through I’ve been going through myself. It’s been a rough year or so, and your post reminds me of a lot of the stuff I’ve been doing to myself… You’re right about yourself (and me by proxy)! Stop the self loathing! The world is rough enough as it is… Thank you for pointing this out.
You know, it’s funny, I woke up today and realized I hadn’t read your blog in ages, so I thought I’d stop by. Best decision I could make!
As soon as my new job pans out, I’ll send a donation your way. It’s the least I can do.
I can’t believe you do the job you do with the amount of self-doubt you have- that’s very brave. I’m really sensitive, so I don’t think I could ever put myself out there. Troll comments would kill me- I can’t believe how sadistic some people are behind their computers.
Ugh. It’s a great post. I can have a million people in my life tell me how great I am, and it sets off this internal alarm of “you don’t really know me, or you wouldn’t say that.” Then I get angry because people tell me I’m supposed to have all these great skills and potential, but why can’t I access them?
Identifying the thoughts is the first step- thanks- I needed the reminder.
Hello Lindsay Ellis,
I first heard of you on Nostalgia Critic’s site and when my bf and I checked out your videos we loved them! I think your reviews are funny, well researched, entertaining, and SMART. It doesn’t hurt that you are super pretty and sexy I’m curious as to what’s your genealogy is. Anyway self worth and validation is part of the human condition and I’m glad you are addressing it and being open about choosing to tune it out the negativity and seeing it for what it really is bullshit!! You are golden and please don’t waste your time with guys that don’t see this cuz it will only get in your way but you do have to see it first. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself as I believe everything we do stems from this. So yeah I’m a big Lindsay Ellis fan I guess your playfulness and intelligence strikes a chord with me and it would sure be neat to meet you someday.
Love,
Isis
To be fair, cold turkey doesn’t work for everybody. Going vegan this year may have taken a bit less time than I thought it would, but it was still months before I could call myself one. Still, it was better than previous years’ attempts where I just quite animal products, and was chowing down again by week’s end. It’s a bit late for wishes of good luck judging from the posting date, but I will send one anyway, in the hopes that they are totally unnecessary.
Great post! I agree with a poster above that stated that the kingdom of nerdom is built on self loathing. I made a decision myself a few months ago to get out of a relationship where I was being mistreated and it was a great decision for me. Each and every one of us has worth and deserves to live without the greek chorus of bad thoughts in our heads. You’re fabulous, Lindsay, and your videos never fail to cheer me up.
Oh, man have I ever been there. First and second relationships I got into included a lot of airing out of the “welp, it’s clearly this or nothing else ever” mindset. The last person I dated was a dickbag of monstrous proportions who actually made a move on a friend of mine while I was in the bathroom. Then got a girlfriend who I didn’t know about until after he’d left the country. Class act, that one.
But now I look back at the string of mediocre/bad/egad, what was I thinking? relationships I have behind me and I realize that it took going through all this business to figure out that a) I’m pretty awesome and b) those jerkwads can choke on said awesomeness. Now I’m with someone who’s also pretty awesome. ‘Bout time, too.
Keep your head up.
I’m 15 and have hated myself for a while, mostly because I’m a stupid straight A student who looks and acts like a lame dork, and I think I’m fat even though I weigh 109 pounds, I have tried to kill myself twice
Thank you Lindsay, you’re awsome, I’ll stop hating myself, I’ll stop too
This entry really made me want to reach through the screen and kiss you. Or just kiss my computer screen. Your words are lovely and are something that I really needed to hear, probably just as much as everyone else needed to see them and you needed to say them. Here’s to hoping that we can all hold onto them.
I was given the gift of self-loathing from my parents– well, re-gifted I suppose. It runs in the family. Runs deeeeep in my family. Somehow I managed to figure out what I am good at, and still head off in some direction without much, if any, support from my family. It shows up everywhere, in my job, my interactions with friends and co-workers, and even so-called “relationships” I’ve had. I’ve mostly been a completely online type of person, and interacting in “the real world” has been all but impossible.
I can attest to the soaking up negativity like a sponge, somehow it just seems more… accurate… correct… applicable. I’ve often found myself treating compliments like super-radioactive plutonium. I’ve even insulted some people by not taking their compliments! I’ve yet to figure that one out.
I’ve found that a lot of it has to do with fear, at least in my circumstance. I don’t often post anywhere because even though I may have a witty opinion or some silly comment to post, it just doesn’t make the cut in my mind. Or I may incite some kind of flame war, or might be trolled, etc. It’s gotten to where I’d just rather not deal with that stuff and keep my mouth shut. I’ve found that my style, and mad prose skills have no place in the nets of today. I never even thought myself a writer, but someone out there liked my work, that crazy person.
True happiness is said to come from within. I also believe it can be helped or hurt from without, but that’s the flaw of human nature; needing to be social, to fit in to be highly regarded and so on. People can be capable of such horrible things, but also of such great things, and sometimes in conflict with one another. I’m a victim of some horrible things, yet I stupidly cling to the notion that things can be better; the only way I can really describe that notion since it defies logic, reasoning and common sense. I suppose you can call it hope, but my parents pretty much dispatched that notion from the outset. So sheer stupidity it is.
I find it quite brave that you post stuff on here. I’m actually contemplating not even posting this response, though I do want to let you know that there are other self-loathers out there. I’ve said that knowing there are others like me, or that others have gone through the same thing, often gives me more sadness than relief, only because they have to suffer also. I know, cheesy as hell.
Thanks for being the Nostalgia Chick, and also sharing your mind with the Internets. (Insert countless zombie jokes here). Keep on keepin’ on and know that even if you’re not your own biggest fan, there are other people out there who might just as easily temp for that job.
Fully aware that the Linz’s defenses may be up, the Overlord named Lurch fires a barrage of goodwill and compliments her way.
When you don’t see yourself as lovable, the love of other people will only frustrate and confuse you. You’ll turn away from them and seek out people who reinforce your negative self-image, which is what you’re comfortable with. Dr. Branden again. He’s a very wise man.
Lindsay, thank you for sharing this. When I read your post, something clicked in my brain. It was like a piece of the puzzle I have been looking for, has finally fallen into place.
Yes, it is a bad habit and maybe I can quit it too.
I just wanted you to know that you helped someone today. Thanks, and good luck!
Interesting post! Sadly, you will always have such thoughts about yourself. Unlike the food you eat, you can’t easily pick what thoughts pop into your head. One way I learned to counter this was by following the advise of a good friend of mine. Whenever a negative comment about myself popped into my head, I’d immediately think of a positive one to counter it. Give a positive for a negative and that is the essence of a well-balanced critique anyway so it’ll help you grow as a writer.
For example, if the thought, “I’m ugly,” comes into your mind. Think of something you like about yourself like maybe your eyes and tell yourself, “though my eyes are lovely”. It may sound lame, but it really does help.
There may be another reason for this as well. There is growing evidence that the more we think one way the more our brains become wired to think that way. Meaning, if you always harp on yourself, you’re brain will design itself to be good at that. This is why it’s important to force some positivity in there, even if it’s a struggle.
I promise to stop self loathing
thank you very very much for this xxxxxxxx